Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
