you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
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Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.