I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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