I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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