Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just high enough for therapy.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
