wakey wakey hands off snakey
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
