New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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