it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize
