i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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