I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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