She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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