Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
You peed on a flamingo?!?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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