Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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