you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
