i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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