I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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