WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
