I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
