Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
