Only a mothe r could love this liver
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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