my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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