I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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