I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It's rum buckets o'clock
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
