a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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