We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
NoShamevember. You game?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
