My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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