i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
