It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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