i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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