He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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