I feel like abortions should bother me more
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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