you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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