GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
