tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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