The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
