I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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