Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
