i'm signing you up for texting rehab
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
