im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
