i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My vagina is officially offended.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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