I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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