Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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