Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
