I miss vodka workout Fridays
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
