booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
