Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
that is very illegal...i love you.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
