I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
