Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My dick has a subreddit
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
