I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
