Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
