i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
