last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
