i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
