Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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