My nipple is on Facebook.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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