I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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