Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
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The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
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He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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