I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
